The Proof Is In The Pudding

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about

A crystal meth addict who runs a daycare is jealous of her precious cherubs and their perfect little baby teeth; hilarity ensues.

lyrics

Compact bodies, laid out on cots and floor mats
Rise painfully out of naptime coma from spiked Snack Packs
Blood-curdling screams engulf the facility
“I want my mommy! Where’s my binky?!”

Mary had a class of darling, little lambs
The most precious group of angels
They say, “You only hurt the ones you love”
And these kids got straight fucking mangled.

Her teeth were rotten from years of crystal meth addiction,
So she put herself on a not-so-gentle dental mission.

The storybooks and fables finally cracked Miss Mary
Mentally transforming her into the tooth fairy

Equipped with crates of 101 proof homemade whiskey
Mary snuck into the daycare before dawn one morning
The fridge presented a plentiful plethora of pudding
So she peeled back the seals and started pouring
The hours leading to the feeding began fleeting
Anticipation growing for inebriation and unconscious snoring

At snack time they slurped and slurped away
Pounding pudding cups like Jell-O shots
They staggered, stumbled, swaggered and swayed
Shit-house drunk, passed out on Teletubby cots

And so they sleep; 2.3 B.A.C.
And so she creeps, pliers pulling baby teeth

And so she flees, to turn trashed tikes’ teeth into jewelry
And so she’ll reap profits of daycare dentistry

Trails of bracelets constructed of incisors and bicuspids
Led investigators to the basement of the culprit
Jars of molars from the jaws of Pre-K scholars
Lined the walls of her dank, dark, mildewed cellar
And now Miss Mary the Meth-Mouthed Tooth Fairy
Will spend the rest of her life lusting for teeth behind bars

credits

from Plump Up The Volume, released April 14, 2015
Lyrics by MR

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